When written in Chinese, the word “crisis” is composed of two characters. One represents danger and the other represents opportunity. – John F. Kennedy
Several years ago, after a series of unfortunate events, I found myself laid out sick on the couch. Weak, pale, and wearing my favorite feel sorry for myself sweatpants, I was nauseous, unable to eat and anemic. Within a very short period of time, I had been laid off, a loved one was diagnosed, in one traumatic evening in the ER, with cancer, and I got a new but very toxic job. And this is how I found myself watching on weakly as Oprah interviewed Ellen DeGeneres. Oprah asked Ellen about the 3-year time period when she didn’t work after her show was cancelled in 2002. “Weren’t you discouraged? Were you depressed?” Oprah asked.
Ellen adjusted herself in her chair and responded in an uncharacteristic serious tone,
“Sure, it was hard but I think when you have these trials that life gives you, it is an opportunity to find out who you are. Not just who you are when everything’s great, but who are you when every thing is taken away from you and you have nothing.”
– Ellen DeGeneres
I sat up. And just like that I knew what I had to do. I had to find out who I was without the corporate title. Without the health to run half marathons. Without the guarantee of a life with my loved one. I didn’t know it then, but this moment would be the catalyst for waking up and finding out who I was in every part of my life. In that moment, in the clarity that can only come from life’s hardest lessons, I began to think of my journey as my own personal comeback story.
Fast forward 3 years later, I am running through Balboa Park one summer evening, replaying how my 6 year relationship came crashing down around me as my legs turn over matching my breath and music in stride. I wonder: What now? What do I do, single again at almost 40?
The truth is, when it comes to dating, I feel like an amateur – I haven’t really dated for almost 11 years – going from a 5-year relationship to a 6-year relationship with very little time in between. And being the serial monogamist I was didn’t exactly allow for much practice at dating. I eye a young couple kissing on a blanket, surrounded by a stroller, a car seat, baby toys, and other family paraphernalia. My eyes tear as I look away and wonder: where is my happy ending? A few steps later I realize I must have sped up because suddenly I’m out of breath and grateful for the red light. I bend over, hands on my hips, and tilt my head up to the sky. The last time I dated, it suddenly occurs to me, women wore pagers on their hips and had MySpace accounts. I stand in my newly single self running shoes and have one blaring thought: I am literally starting my life over. And mostly feel like I have no idea what I’m doing. What I really want is to find a book on what to do after the breakup before the next U-Haul.
As I make my way down Laurel Avenue toward the water, I replay the Ellen interview from the Oprah show in my mind and suddenly something connects for me. Dating almost always begins after an ending, a breakup, a loss, or a period of healing or recovery. Dating, in it’s own way is a starting over process. While my feet pump along the pavement, my breath matching my steps, I wonder: what if I approach dating as a comeback story, like Ellen’s career comeback? What if I revise my approach to dating from I need to find the right one – to focusing on being the right girl for myself? Would that I increase my chances of getting into a healthy, compatible relationship? I pause at a red light, waiting for traffic to stop on Harbor Drive, I realize that while everyone loves a comeback story, I still have no idea what I am doing when it comes to dating. This makes me laugh aloud despite myself, and shake my head as the light turns green. I take off running across the intersection. As I make my way past stopped cars, it occurs to me that this moment is like the beginning of a comeback story – I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing but keep putting one foot in front of the other all the way across the intersection.
Hi Kim.
I’ve just found your blog today, and the timing is appreciated. I feel what you are saying about starting over, and the importance of finding oneself again. Having recently gone through the pain and sadness of a divorce after a 30 year relationship, I, too, am exploring the challenges of starting over. Is there ever a ‘happily ever after’ story in real life? I don’t know. Maybe. But I am learning about the joys of getting to know myself again, and as both you and Ellen have said, though that opportunity may be frightening, if we put one foot in front of the other….and be open to all that presents itself…then this journey may be a good adventure, after all..
Starting over at any age is scary, but reading your blog here is educational, fun, and entertaining. Thank you for sharing your experiences. On to the next adventure… one footstep at a time.