Drama.
I would swear that I hated dating drama, that I wasn’t down with it, that I didn’t want it. For years the line from that Mary J. Blige song was my jam, “No more drama in my life.”
And yet, somehow, despite my words, I seemed to always find myself smack dab in the middle of some dramatic, painful dating situation with some girl. Once it was avoiding a girl who I slept with one time, every time I saw her out, because she became best friends with my ex, who I was trying to get over when I slept with her. Another time, it was non-exclusively dating a girl who had a habit of showing up at my apartment 4 hours early for our dates. So to avoid any awkward moments, I told her I had plans with someone and she was outraged. Not about the other girl. But that I told her. Once, it was dating a friend in secret, because it began as cheating. Another time it was riding the emotional roller coaster of dating someone prone to pushing people away and then pulling them back in, or intermittent reinforcement, something I’ll write about in upcoming posts. I hated drama. Yet it was everywhere, at least everywhere I dated. What gives? When I finally accepted that yes, while there are some weirdoes out there, the only common denominator in my dating drama was me. Once and for all, I was determined to take responsibility for myself and declutter the drama from dating. Here are 3 lessons I learned about my own role in dramatic dating.
- I was addicted to drama and didn’t know it.
I said I hated drama, but when I got real with myself had to accept that part of it was exciting – that jittery feeling before going out on a Friday night, not knowing what will happen. The freedom in spontaneously having more drinks at another bar with friends after dancing. In dating, in order to cut back on the drama, I had to face the fact that part of me was drawn to the excitement of dramatic women and situations. And so I found them.
- The line between exciting and drama got mixed up in my mind.
I’m no neuroscientist, but the way I think about it is I picture the part of my brain where stimulation lives: excitement, joy, fun, and passion, as sitting right next to the part where fear lives.
Then I imagine them getting crossed at times, either because I’m not tuning into my body and noticing the difference, or maybe it’s that gymnastics injury from high school that involved my head vs. the concrete. Well played concrete.
- I told myself I wasn’t worth someone capable of communication, consistency, and emotional intimacy.
This was a really hard one to accept about myself. After all, I thought of myself as confident, professional, and successful. And I was. But underneath I also held the belief that I wasn’t as important as other people. This belief caused me to do things like date people who weren’t that into me, stay in a relationship after being cheated on, and going back for more in the most toxic relationship ever. Once I began to understand that I carried this old, ugly belief, it no longer had the power to run my life without my awareness.
These days, while I’m likely feeding my drama addiction with reality TV instead my own life situations, there are times when I can’t help but wonder: have I become boring? Then I shrug and remember that she’s still in there – the one who can have fun, sans drama. And somehow boring doesn’t sound so bad.